Obituary of Jesus

Jesus Christ, 33 of Nazareth, died Friday on Mount Calvary, also know as Golgatha, the place of the skull. Betrayed by the apostle Judas, Jesus was crucified by the Romans, by order of Pontius Pilate. The causes of death were crucifixion, extreme exhaustion, severe tortue and loss of blood.



Jesus Christ, a descendanct of Abraham, was a member of the house of David. He was the son of the late Joseph, a carpenter, and Mary, his devoted mother. Jesus was born in a stable in the city of Bethlehem, Judea. He is survived by his mother, Mary, his faithful apostles, numberous disciples and many other followers.



Jesus was self-educated and spent most of his adult life working as a teacher. Jesus aslo occationally worked as a medical doctor, and it is reported that he healed many patients. Up until the time of his death, Jesus was teaching and sharing the good news, healing the sic, touching the lonely, feeding the hungry and helping the poor.



Jesus was most noted for telling parables about his father's kingdom and performong miracles, such as feeding over 5,000 people with only 5 loaves and 2 fish, and healing a man who was born blind. On the day before his death, he held a Last Supper celebrating the Passover Feast, at which he foretold his death.



The body was quickly buried in a stone grave, which was donated by Joseph of Armiathea, a loay friend of the family. By order of Pontius Pilate, a boulder was rolled in front of the tomb. Roman soliders were put on guard.



In lieu of flowers, the family has requested that everone try to live as Jesus did. Donations may be sent to anyone in need.

Heaven

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Roger, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.
''Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'

JUDGE NOT!!

Explanation of God

One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.



''God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.



''God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhepretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.''



Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista . At least there aren't any who come to our church.''



Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him But he was good and kind, like his father, and he told his father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K.''



His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard work on earth so he told him he didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.''



You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.' '



You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God!Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.''



If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared, in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.''



But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases...



And...that's why I believe in God.

You Took My Place

One day, a man went to visit a church, He got there early, parked his car and got out. Another car pulled up near the driver got out and said, " I always park there! You took my place!"

The visitor went inside for Sunday School, found an empty seat and sat down. A young lady from the church approached him and stated, "That's my seat! You took my place!" The visitor was somewhat distressed by this rude welcome, but said nothing.

After Sunday School, the visitor went into the sanctuary and sat down. Another member walked up to him and said, " That's where I always sit! You took my place!" The visitor was even more troubled by this treatment, but still He said nothing.

Later as the congregation was praying for Christ to dwell among them, the visitor stood up, and his appearance began to change. Horrible scars became visible on his hands and on his sandaled feet.

Someone from the congregation noticed him and called out, "What happened to you?" The visitor replied, as his hat became a crown of thorns, and a tear fell from his eye, "I took your place."

Jesus Saves

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed..
They e-mailed..
They e-mailed with attachments..
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports .
They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was fast.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?
God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES....

Mom's Empty Chair

A woman's daughter had asked the local minister
to come and pray with her mother.
When the minister arrived,
he found the woman lying in bed with her head
propped up on two pillows.
An empty chair sat beside her bed.
The minister assumed that the woman
had been informed of his visit . . .
"I guess you were expecting me," he said.
"No, who are you?" said the mother.
The minister told her his name and then remarked,
"I saw the empty chair and I figured you knew
I was going to show up . . . "
"Oh yeah, the chair," said the bedridden woman.
"Would you mind closing the door?"
Puzzled, the minister shut the door.
"I have never told anyone this,
not even my daughter," said the woman.
"But all of my life I have never
known how to pray.
At church, I used to hear the pastor talk about prayer,
but it went right over my head.
I abandoned any attempt at prayer,"
the old woman continued,
"until one day four years ago, my best friend said to me,
'Prayer is just a simple matter of having a conversation with Jesus.
Here is what I suggest . . . Sit down in a chair; place
an empty chair in front of you, and, in faith,
see Jesus on the chair. It's not spooky because he promised,
'I will be with you always. . .'
Then just speak to him in the same way
you're doing with me right now . . .'
"So I tried it and I've liked it so much that
I do it a couple of hours every day.
I'm careful, though. If my daughter saw me talking
to an empty chair, she'd either have a nervous breakdown
or send me off to the funny farm."
The minister was deeply moved by the story and
encouraged the old woman to continue on the journey.
Then he prayed with her, anointed her with oil,
and returned to the church.
Two nights later the daughter called
to tell the minister that her mama had
died that afternoon.
"Did she die in peace?" he asked.
"Yes, when I left the house about two o'clock,
she called me over to her bedside,
told me she loved me and kissed me on the cheek.
When I got back from the store an hour later,
I found her.
But there was something strange about her death.
Apparently, just before Mom died,
she leaned over and rested her head on the chair
beside the bed. What do you make of that?"
The minister wiped a tear from his eye and said,
"I wish we could all go like that."

Why did Jesus fold the Napkin?

Why did Jesus fold the linen burial cloth after His resurrection? I never noticed this....

The Gospel of John (20:7) tells us that the napkin, which was placed over the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the grave clothes.

The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly folded, and was placed at the head of that stony coffin.

Early Sunday morning, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and found that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance.

She ran and found Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus loved. She said, 'They have taken the Lord's body out of the tomb, and I don't know where they have put him!'

Peter and the other disciple ran to the tomb to see. The other disciple out ran Peter and got there first. He stopped and looked in and saw the linen cloth lying there, but he didn't go in.

Then Simon Peter arrived and went inside. He also noticed the linen wrappings lying there, while the cloth that had covered Jesus' head was folded up and lying to the side.

Was that important? Absolutely!
Is it really significant? Yes!

In order to understand the significance of the folded napkin, you have to understand a little bit about Hebrew tradition of that day.

The folded napkin had to do with the Master and Servant, and every

Jewish boy knew this tradition.

When the servant set the dinner table for the master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the master wanted it.

The table was furnished perfectly, and then the servant would wait, just out of sight, until the master had finished eating, and the servant would not dare touch that table, until the master was finished..

Now if the master were done eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers, his mouth, and clean his beard, and would wad up that napkin and toss it onto the table.

The servant would then know to clear the table. For in those days, the wadded napkin meant, "I'm finished.."

But if the master got up from the table, and folded his napkin, and laid it beside his plate, the servant would not dare touch the table, because..........

The folded napkin meant,

"I'm coming back!"