Dear Santa

Dear Santa,
>
> I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on
> demand, visited the doctor's office more than my own doctor, sold sixty-two
> cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school
> playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out -- over several
> Christmases.
>
> Since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a
> receipt in the laundry room between cycles; and who knows when I'll find any
> more free time in the next 18 years, so now - -
>
> *** Here are my Christmas wishes ***
>
> * I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (-in any color, except purple, which I
> already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong
> enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.
>
> * I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my
> last pregnancy.
>
> * If you're hauling big-ticket items this year, I'd like fingerprint resistant
> windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't
> broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a
> secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
>
> * On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, 'Yes, Mommy' to
> boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three
> pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
>
> * I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, 'Don't eat in the l
> iving room' and 'Take your hands off your brother,' because my voice seems to
> bejust out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.
>
> * If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to
> brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating
> food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam
> container.
>
> *If you don't mind, I could also use a few miracles to brighten the holiday
> season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will
> clear my conscience immensely.
>
> *It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house
> without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime
> family.
>
>
> Well, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing, and my son saw my feet under the
> laundry room door. I think he wants his red crayon back. Have a safe trip Santa,
> and remember to leave your wet boots by the door, and come in and dry off, so
> you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too
> many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
>
> Yours always with love and appreciation,
> ~A Mom
> P.S. One more thing . . You can cancel all my requests, if you can keep my
> children 'young' enough to believe in Santa.