I was shocked, confused, bewildered
as I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
who made me sputter and gasp--
the thieves, the liars, the sinners,
the alcoholics, the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade
who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought
was rotting away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.
'And why's everyone so quiet,
so somber? Give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' said He, 'they' re all in shock.
No one thought they'd be see ing you.'
Monday, June 30, 2008
The Call
On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor
was working late, and decided to call his wife before he
left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife
didn't answer the phone.
The pastor let the phone ring many times. He thought it
was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a
few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried
again she answered right away. He asked her why she
hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung
at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went
on their merry ways.
The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the
church office, which was the phone that he'd used that
Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to
know why he'd called on Saturday night.
The pastor couldn't figure out what the man was talking
about. Then the man said, 'It rang and rang, but I
didn't answer.' The pastor remembered the mishap and
apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd
intended to call his wife.
The man said, 'That's, OK. Let me tell you my story.
You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday
night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there,
and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.'
At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the
caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to
answer!'
The reason why it showed on the man's caller ID that the
call came from 'Almighty God' is because the church that
the pastor attends is called Almighty God Tabernacle!!
was working late, and decided to call his wife before he
left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife
didn't answer the phone.
The pastor let the phone ring many times. He thought it
was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a
few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried
again she answered right away. He asked her why she
hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung
at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went
on their merry ways.
The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the
church office, which was the phone that he'd used that
Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to
know why he'd called on Saturday night.
The pastor couldn't figure out what the man was talking
about. Then the man said, 'It rang and rang, but I
didn't answer.' The pastor remembered the mishap and
apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd
intended to call his wife.
The man said, 'That's, OK. Let me tell you my story.
You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday
night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there,
and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.'
At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the
caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to
answer!'
The reason why it showed on the man's caller ID that the
call came from 'Almighty God' is because the church that
the pastor attends is called Almighty God Tabernacle!!
Heaven and Hell
A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said.
'Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell arelike.'
The Lord led the holy man to two doors.
He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of
the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a
large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.
The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer
>than their arms,�
>they could not get the�
>spoons back into their�
>mouths.
>
>The�
>holy man shuddered at the sight�
>of their misery and�
>suffering.
>The�
>Lord said, 'You have seen Hell.�
>
>They�
>went to the next room and�
>opened the door. It was exactly�
>the�
>same as the�
>first one. There was the�
>large round table with the large�
>pot of�
>stew�
>which made the holy man's mouth�
>water. The people were equipped�
>with�
>the same�
>long-handled spoons, but here�
>the people were well nourished�
>and�
>plump,�
>laughing and talking. The holy�
>man said, 'I don't understand.�
>
>It is simple,'�
>said the Lord.�
>
>'It requires but one skill. You�
>see,�
>they have�
>learned to feed each
>other, while the greedy think�
>only�
>of�
>themselves.'�
>
>When�
>Jesus died on the cross, he was�
>thinking of you.
'Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell arelike.'
The Lord led the holy man to two doors.
He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of
the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a
large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.
The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer
>than their arms,�
>they could not get the�
>spoons back into their�
>mouths.
>
>The�
>holy man shuddered at the sight�
>of their misery and�
>suffering.
>The�
>Lord said, 'You have seen Hell.�
>
>They�
>went to the next room and�
>opened the door. It was exactly�
>the�
>same as the�
>first one. There was the�
>large round table with the large�
>pot of�
>stew�
>which made the holy man's mouth�
>water. The people were equipped�
>with�
>the same�
>long-handled spoons, but here�
>the people were well nourished�
>and�
>plump,�
>laughing and talking. The holy�
>man said, 'I don't understand.�
>
>It is simple,'�
>said the Lord.�
>
>'It requires but one skill. You�
>see,�
>they have�
>learned to feed each
>other, while the greedy think�
>only�
>of�
>themselves.'�
>
>When�
>Jesus died on the cross, he was�
>thinking of you.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
I'm Starting to Relate to Some of These
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class w! as over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class w! as over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
Old age, I decided, is a gift.
I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen to o many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's & 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.
And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it).s
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen to o many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's & 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.
And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it).s
Commercials
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at
TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results.
God is like.. BAYER ASPIRIN: He works miracles.
God is like... a FORD: He's got a better idea .
God is like... COKE: He's the real thing.
God is like... HALLMARK CARDS:
He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like... TIDE: He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like... GENERAL ELECTRIC: He brings good things to life.
God is like... SEARS: He has everything.
God is like... ALKA-SELTZER: Try him, you'll like Him
God is like... SCOTCH TAPE:
You can't see him, but you know He's there.
God is like... DELTA: He's ready when you are.
God is like... ALLSTATE: You're in good hands with Him.
God is like... VO-5 Hair Spray: He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like... DIAL SOAP:
Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
God is like... the U.S. POST OFFICE:
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results.
God is like.. BAYER ASPIRIN: He works miracles.
God is like... a FORD: He's got a better idea .
God is like... COKE: He's the real thing.
God is like... HALLMARK CARDS:
He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like... TIDE: He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like... GENERAL ELECTRIC: He brings good things to life.
God is like... SEARS: He has everything.
God is like... ALKA-SELTZER: Try him, you'll like Him
God is like... SCOTCH TAPE:
You can't see him, but you know He's there.
God is like... DELTA: He's ready when you are.
God is like... ALLSTATE: You're in good hands with Him.
God is like... VO-5 Hair Spray: He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like... DIAL SOAP:
Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
God is like... the U.S. POST OFFICE:
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
Road Sign
Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church,
and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across
the road. One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that
said::
"DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE"
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and
yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash... Rev.
Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe DA sign should
yust say 'Bridge Out'?
and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across
the road. One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that
said::
"DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE"
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and
yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash... Rev.
Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe DA sign should
yust say 'Bridge Out'?
Powerful Woman
Live your life in such a way that when
your feet hit the floor in the morning,
Satan shudders & says...
"Oh no....she's awake!!"
your feet hit the floor in the morning,
Satan shudders & says...
"Oh no....she's awake!!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)