Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats..
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man... He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

The Lord's Test

I woke up this morning and knew that today ,
The sun would not be shining
and the clouds would be gray.

As I stepped outside ,
rain fell upon my head.
My car wouldn't start
so I walked to school instead.

I forgot all of my assignments
I failed all of my tests.
I dropped my head in disgust
and asked the Lord for
one request.

'Lord , why is it that
things won't go my way?'
He gently replied ,
'Dear child it is because
you didn't thank me yesterday.

I woke you up and enabled
you to see the sun again.
I gave you shelter ,
protected your family , and even let
you make a new friend.

I blessed you far
greater than I ever had before.
But you were too busy
to thank me once more.

You didn't feel sick
because I maintained your health.
You had money in your pocket
because I maintained your wealth.

You had shoes on you feet
and clothes to wear , too.
You had plenty of food to eat ,
and what did you do?

You ignored me and went
about your tasks.
But when you wanted something
you never hesitated to ask.

I was there when you needed me
and that wasn't too long ago.
But when things started going your way ,
it was me you did not know.

As if that weren't enough ,
I provided your favorite luxuries.
This was something I didn't have
to do-they weren't even necessities.

And when it was time to get on your
knees and show your gratitude ,
You decided that after such a
fulfilling day , you weren't in the mood.

So I decided to
give you just a little test.
To show you how it would feel
to stop being blessed.'

I began to realize what
the Lord was saying.
And when I got home , I fell
to my knees and started praying.

He said , 'My child , you have
learned and you know I do forgive.
But remember to remember this day
as long as you shall live.

I love filling your life with joy ,
and your pain I'll alleviate it.
But just a simple thank you
would show how much you
appreciate it.'

Monday, March 16, 2009

Memo


To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: GOD
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

This is God. Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day.

I love you. And, remember... If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME.. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now. Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you. You may have touched their life in ways you will never know!

Now, you have a nice day.
God

God has seen you struggling, God says it's over.
A blessing is coming your way.

A.S.A.P.

Ever wonder about the abbreviation A.S.A.P.? Generally we think of it in terms of even more hurry and stress in our lives. Maybe if we think of this abbreviation in a different manner, we will begin to find a new way to deal with those rough days along the way.

There's work to do, deadlines to meet;
You've got no time to spare,
But as you hurry and scurry-
ASAP - ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER

In the midst of family chaos,
"Quality time" is rare.
Do your best; let God do the rest-
ASAP - ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER.

It may seem like your worries
Are more than you can bear.
Slow down and take a breather-
ASAP - ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER

God knows how stressful life is;
He wants to ease our cares,
And He'll respond to all your needs
A.S.A.P. - ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Pennies

I found a penny today

laying on the ground.

But it's not just a penny,

this little coin I've found.


Found pennies come from heaven,

that's what my Grandpa told me.

He said Angels toss them down.

Oh, how I loved that story.


He said when an Angel misses you,

they toss a penny down;

Sometimes just to cheer you up,

to make a smile out of your frown.


So, don't pass by that penny

when you're feeling blue.

It may be a penny from heaven

that an Angel's tossed to you.


So now pass this on to people you care about

and who you feel are Angels to you.

I just did.

An Angel is now watching over you.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Death - What A Wonderful Way to Explain it!

A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to
Leave the examination room and said,
'Doctor, I am afraid to die.
Tell me what lies on the other side.'
Very quietly, the doctor said, 'I don't know.'
'You don't know? You're, a Christian man,
and don't know what's on the other side?'

The doctor was holding the handle of the door;
On the other side came a sound of scratching and whining,
And as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room
And leaped on him with an eager show of gladness..
Turning to the patient, the doctor said,
'Did you notice my dog?
He's never been in this room before.
He didn't know what was inside.
He knew nothing except that his master was here,
And when the door opened, he sprang in without fear.
I know little of what is on the other side of death,
But I do know one thing...

I know my Master is there and that is enough.'