A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's wearing sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired Continental pilot from Houston."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."
The pilot enters Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood? How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached - people slept; while he flew - - people prayed."
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Church One-Liners
'Don't let your worries get the best of you. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case'
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes and sand gnats come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
Peace starts with a smile.
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
A lot of church members who are singing 'Standing on the Promises' are just sitting on the premises.
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
He who angers you, controls you!
If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace
of God will not protect you.
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to ........ discourage him.
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
__________________________
'Dear Father: Bless the person reading this in whatever it is that You know they need.' Amen!
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes and sand gnats come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
Peace starts with a smile.
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
A lot of church members who are singing 'Standing on the Promises' are just sitting on the premises.
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
He who angers you, controls you!
If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace
of God will not protect you.
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to ........ discourage him.
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
__________________________
'Dear Father: Bless the person reading this in whatever it is that You know they need.' Amen!
Who Walks Into Your Life...
God determines who walks into your life....it's up to you to decide
who you let walk away , who you let stay , and who you refuse to let go.
God bless all my friends in whatever it is that you know they
may need this day! And may their life be full of your peace ,
prosperity and power as they seek to have a closer relationship with you.
Amen.
who you let walk away , who you let stay , and who you refuse to let go.
God bless all my friends in whatever it is that you know they
may need this day! And may their life be full of your peace ,
prosperity and power as they seek to have a closer relationship with you.
Amen.
Are You Sick of the Rain Yet?
For everyone who is SICK of the rain.
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment.
As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning fire. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him.
So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.
"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for Judgment, but I couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"
"Oh those . ." Satan groaned.
"They're all from Iowa . They're still too wet to burn."
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment.
As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning fire. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him.
So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.
"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for Judgment, but I couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"
"Oh those . ." Satan groaned.
"They're all from Iowa . They're still too wet to burn."
Monday, June 30, 2008
You Never Know Who You Will See When You Get There
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
as I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
who made me sputter and gasp--
the thieves, the liars, the sinners,
the alcoholics, the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade
who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought
was rotting away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.
'And why's everyone so quiet,
so somber? Give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' said He, 'they' re all in shock.
No one thought they'd be see ing you.'
as I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
who made me sputter and gasp--
the thieves, the liars, the sinners,
the alcoholics, the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade
who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought
was rotting away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.
'And why's everyone so quiet,
so somber? Give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' said He, 'they' re all in shock.
No one thought they'd be see ing you.'
The Call
On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor
was working late, and decided to call his wife before he
left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife
didn't answer the phone.
The pastor let the phone ring many times. He thought it
was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a
few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried
again she answered right away. He asked her why she
hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung
at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went
on their merry ways.
The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the
church office, which was the phone that he'd used that
Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to
know why he'd called on Saturday night.
The pastor couldn't figure out what the man was talking
about. Then the man said, 'It rang and rang, but I
didn't answer.' The pastor remembered the mishap and
apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd
intended to call his wife.
The man said, 'That's, OK. Let me tell you my story.
You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday
night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there,
and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.'
At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the
caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to
answer!'
The reason why it showed on the man's caller ID that the
call came from 'Almighty God' is because the church that
the pastor attends is called Almighty God Tabernacle!!
was working late, and decided to call his wife before he
left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife
didn't answer the phone.
The pastor let the phone ring many times. He thought it
was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a
few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried
again she answered right away. He asked her why she
hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung
at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went
on their merry ways.
The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the
church office, which was the phone that he'd used that
Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to
know why he'd called on Saturday night.
The pastor couldn't figure out what the man was talking
about. Then the man said, 'It rang and rang, but I
didn't answer.' The pastor remembered the mishap and
apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd
intended to call his wife.
The man said, 'That's, OK. Let me tell you my story.
You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday
night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there,
and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.'
At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the
caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to
answer!'
The reason why it showed on the man's caller ID that the
call came from 'Almighty God' is because the church that
the pastor attends is called Almighty God Tabernacle!!
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