A Child's Book Report on the Entire Bible

A child was told to write a book report on the entire
Bible. This is amazing. I wonder how often we take for granted that
children understand what we are teaching?

Through the eyes of a child: Children's Bible
in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the
start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The
Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a
lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and
someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve
were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't
been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad
apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure
what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his
brother as long as he was Abel Pretty soon all of the early
people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a
million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who
was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah
built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it.
He asked some other people to join him, but they said they
would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold
Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a
son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose
real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out
of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten
plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs,
mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights
every day with manicotti.

Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your
neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor
thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was
the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of
Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by
killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon
who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he
was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major
league prophets One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a
big whale and then barfed upon the shore. There were also
some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry
about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.
Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in
Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too,
because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were
you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say yes.

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with
sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had
twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was
so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards
and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the
Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before
Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just
washed his hands instead.

Anyway's, Jesus died for our sins then came
back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at
the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of
Revolution.